transitions.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

i think today i had a semi-wonderful day. first, i got back my japanese results, which was pretty unpleasant. but i ate lunch and ate at sage later( Sage is like my favourite hang out place ).

anyway, i had this weird dream that i think i was the narrator or something but yeah. but it was about my life. about changing my life even i were given the second chance. i remember falling down from the cliff and seperated from my mother, and i had to kill tons of pythons. damn i seriously hate snakes. but anyway afterthat yeah i was in scene where many things happen. apparently there was this woman i like, that this guy was after her too. they quarrelled, but yeah the ending in short is that they were able to get to get together. however god gave me a second chance, he allowed me to go back to the time where the guy was gonna make his move, approach the girl.woman i like. and better still, i knew what was gonna happen. ( this really sound like this love story from japan ). then yeah pretty weird, i know there were some exciting adventure whereby i think i almost could fall from a 100 floor story. whatever it is, its freaky. i seriously hate high level building. its nice but im afraid of heights if theres no barriers.

well the ending i manage to break them up and everything is in a mess. LOL

well

lesson learnt: even if you were given a chance to change things, maybbe its nt a good thing that you change it.

Friday, February 22, 2008

okay ! 1 exam down 2 to go. 3.5 hours more to my exams

its raining now and i drove myself to macs to buy breakfast. 2 for $3, CHEAP isnt it! my favourite sausage egg muffin. lately i been eating a lot of junk food, because junk food are cheaps and its convenient. of course, convenient is the not the main point. cheap is the most important point. lately i've been dining at restaurants that i don't have to pay tips. cause i hate to pay tips ( its not worth it ). and lately im broke, how sad can i get.

this few days there are so much workload, and lately i just find myself in a situation that is just enough time to do everything ( last time i had too much time of course ). i kinda like this lifestyle, perhaps if everyday is examination, i would be studying my ass off instead of slacking off and watching dramas. now i can't even find the time to watch drama. i gotta survive for at least 3 more weeks before my pocket money comes. man car modifications are expensives maybe i should just stop doing it but its just so interesting ( and its nice to look at your own car too ). plus today i got a free car wash thanks to the rain. my car is dirty and filthy and i dont want to wash it since its raining season.

cant get to LA cause i got no money. man life is so saddening, without food life is like crap. this is the second time in life i come to appreciate junk food after those junkfood days in DVC. remember banquet and hungry man mr bruins? AHAHAHA. so so unhealthy.

lately because of spider solitare ( medium difficulty ) i've been telling myself not to give up on things so easily. and maybe because of another friend who told me to be positive i tried being positive and i guess it helps a lot. it prevent bad things from happening ( at least thats what i believe ) but of course reality is harsh and life is not going to go as smoothly as it is. some day one way or another i am going to meet with a crisis. im still thinking about ways to suceed in life, though i know it can get pretty tough but well you live once ( this sounded really lame ) so you might as well make the best out of it. when you;re old and alone and have a feeling, i dont want to be a stupid parent that entrust my dreams to my kids. i'll fufill mine.

dream = come out of the car in a tux with an aura that everyone will look at me. i've been dreaming about that lately. and the only way to be like that is to be a bigbosss of some cranky company, millionaire? no. multi millionaire. cause when you're a millionaire you still got to drive your car ( how sad can you get ).

one day i will do my mother proud since shes a stupid parent that entrusted her dream to me. HAHAHAHAHA but thank god our views are not so different! so mom dont worry one day i will be rich enough to buy you a house that has a garden that you always ask for, i'll plant many bonzais and flowers so you can do your gardening till you get bored. also mom dont worry i wont marry an ugly girl, i'll marry someone with a proper face feature ( man my mom's standard of pretty is so bloody tough you will probably puke blood ).

and once again! thank god she isnt reading

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

im so cranky because of the rain, or maybe im cranky because im always like that. oh well!!!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

lately i been thinking about girls. especially when you watch too much dramas, seems like every girl around me is " not qualified ". i shall not follow the trend of fighting for shits here like what bruin said, but i wonder how long can you go against your heart's desire. i don't know whats wrong with me, addicted to hugs and share care and love. this is what i called the drama syndromes.

the syndromes cause people to hallucinate, they find the reality boring, uninteresting. they found the life they wanted in the dramas, thus making them thinking that it wont happen in life, just like a dream. so they live their life away like a normal person.

BUT

im not like that. despite me having high standard for girls, im certain i will end up with someone who is not pretty yet with a kind heart. ( cause kind people often arent pretty ). HAHAHAHA.
life itself is a drama so i wont entrust my dreams to the screeen. one day i will go japan and ______________ SECRET.

oh well time to study !

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

i dont work

i dont go out

but i dont do well in studies.

whyis that so.

cause im lazy, and super good at procastinating.

but im certain in shortcuts of life.

that i willtake to achieve what i need in life.

ha

Sunday, February 17, 2008

when i think of the things i don't want to think of,

when i see the things i don't want to see,

when i feel the feelings i don't want to feel,

all i can do is just sit and トバコおすう。

sometimes running away is not enough, being ignorant isnt enough either.

no matter how well you are prepared for something, you're still penetrable.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

the things i talk about, or rather the things that came out from my mouth doesnt represent... me?

been watching japanese drama a lot lately, from nodame cantibile, to iryu, to slow dance, to tatta hitotsu no koi to hotaru no hikari.

people often think im crazy to be busy with watching drama instead of studying, or rather they find it lame. well, i don't think so. i somehow think that in a way or another it changes you inside bit by bit, little by little and over time it kind of changes the way you think, often in a good way? perhaps watching too much love story and seeing too many pretty girls like ueno jun, ayase haruka and erika toda made me realize about the difference between a dream/fantasy and reality.

it definitely makes you happy watching dramas, thinking about how your life would be like those in the drama. where the impossible becomes possible, where pretty girls are never out of reach, where perhaps the truest love can exist. but reality is totally opposite. girls were never pretty to start with. no big eyes, no nice sharp nose and chins. no nice characters, they were never near to perfect. thats reality.

i don't know why even when i'm typing this, my heart is thumping very hard... in fact i feel like as if my heart was cut. its almost the same feeling whereby you get disappointed upon hearing a bad news. but even reality is that bad, im still going to continue to dream. im still waiting for good things to happen upon me, good things that only god and fate can give. still waiting, because waiting gives you hope.

i can't type anymore, because i don't want to remind myself of things that i don't want to be.
perhaps it was one year ago, that incident ........

Monday, February 11, 2008

i often dream about the things that doesnt happen in reality.

so many of them. the only existence for dreams, are in dreams.

well 3 hours to sleep i might as well make the full use of it.

maybe afterall being nice is just another part of my stupidity.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

i think im suffering from split personality. well ( soon enough i will. )

now that i think about it i been hiding so much things from so many people. its like you could only tell certain things to certain people, thus each of them knows a bit of your life. here and there, how weird isnt it. i just cant find someone who i can talk to and tell him or her anything without feeling insulted or any other weird feeling. i just need a 100% listening ear and perhaps an action given by them to acknowledge my words, an action, not a speech.

my.

i should get a dog, like seriously.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

so i was eating my once every year reunion dinner with my friend. for 2 years i have been eating with my sf gang people, today i ate with sandiegans for the first time. feels pretty weird though.

i dont know why i started thinking a lot about the word - happy. especially im chewing on the delicious meat such as lobster fish duck pork chicken well, practically it was a crazy feast. my friend's parents treated us to dinner at jasmine res, it was pretty good and i was pretty happy with the meal. so i saw people working there, i saw like maybe middle age 40-50 woman working there, then i thought of the old ladies working in sam woo restaurant, then i thought about my mom and other people too.

how come everyone define happiness differently. while i want money, perhaps those people at those restaurant skipping their reunion dinner working there just to make their family better off by a bit. im really happy in some sense, that im like this despite the fact that i want to go even higher and higher. you know i kept thinking about the scene about a happy family, eating normal food at home. laughing and chatting together, i dont know why i just like that scene.

i think 2 things that will make me touched ( i got reminded of the scenes from iryu medical ) is an old couple still taking care of each other. its really touching, i mean imagine someone being able to give you the same care, concern and gentleness for so long, 10 years? 20 years? 50 years? thats just insane. man i yearn for that kinda love and companionship.

the 2nd thing is, perhaps mother's love towards their son. i dont know why mother and son goes along the best. not dad and daughter, nor daughter and mother or son and father. it just got be mother and son. okay im insane.

the craziest thing is that my sensei can speak fucking mandarin ( when hes a japanese ) and he speaks super ABC english too. mr bruin you got to be ashamed of yourselfff !!! cause i think my sensei is from UCLA too !

suckers!

well.

happy chinese new year, the not so happy ones out there.

today is chinese new year eve, tomorrow is chinese new year and its also my econ exam.

its pretty amazing how i spent this 2 days, yesterday i spent 12 hours - 3 hours of eating time for nodame cantible , its a japanese love comedy, its pretty funny and i kinda like the show.

today i watched from 6-now ( 4am ) on iryu team medical dragon 2 . yes i know that you think im wasting my life away watching those stupid drama that has no effects or usefulness in life. well, i beg to differ cause i think i get to learn something from it.

nodame cantibile is a love comedy as i said. its pretty nice since they don't focus so much on the love story. unlike korean drama that has like a super 180 degree twist. sometimes watching it makes me so wanna... erm be like them. but well its a drama no such things happen. sometimes i wished something interesting in life would like that would happen. now that i think about it, my life isnt that interesting, isnt it. i stay at home, i sleep a lot, i go starbucks alot, half the things i said makes no sense at all. welll i just sound like an idiot. sometimes when i write my blog i only know that there is 1 reader from bruins but i still write thinking that a lot of people read when i know no one reads it.

sometimes knowing the truth isnt any better, curiousity kills.

but im a pretty curious person, i'm really really curious about many things. even up till now, sometimes i wished i had a mirror that could show me what people are doing, what will this be like what will that be like how would that girl look like if shes naked? HAHA

iryu team medical 2 is as good as season one. i never get sick of asada ryutaro saving people. okay im so lame and im so tired i dont know what im typing. drives me nuts these days.

nvm.

Monday, February 04, 2008

i seen many people breaking up and getting together. sometimes i wonder if it sounds like game to people, game of love. i thought it was weird sometimes when people get attached to someone you least unexpected. especially if that girl or guy came out of nowhere.

around the same time last year, i cant rmb when it was, but i knew i was hiding one corner of san diego to myself. its amazing that now i think its already one year. so many things i still can't say on the blog.

so many things i don't want to think of. so many things i want and don't want to forget.

i don't want what she said to come true, because partly its not true. another reason is that subconsciously, somewhere inside me tells me that ____________________________.

it was blank cause i cant find the right words to put.

honestly i don't feel weird now. maybe i do know how i feel, but the fear instilled in me does not allow me to act the way i want to.

next entry will a be happy one. im pretty certain. because right now i just don't know how should i feel, or rather i don;t know what im thinking.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

dear diary,

today i just feel like maybe afterall it isnt wise to talk much. even if you talk to try to be funnny, somewhere somehow you will still make a mistake at some point that people will get offended. these 2 days i feel rather erm- weird?

i just look at photos and i can just feel rage. i don't know why. like some part of me wants to carry laughing on with life but some part of me just wants to be alone. sometimes i start doubting the definition point of a friend and i find myself an irritant to others. i just feel that everyone is sick of my shits, sick of me talking, as if they didn't want me to exist.

and recently i just keep saying things, rather keep saying wrong things. stupid things that even idiots wont say.

and also when i see girls i dont know why i feel weird. its just so weird when i "look" at them.

sighs.

whatever.

as if the world cared, as if anyone cared. how come my happy blog becomes a sad blog.

f.